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“You should do something about your hair”: The struggle of being desi & having curly hair

November 20, 2019 14 Comments

Before we go any further, let me show you what my 7am, natural hair looks like. 

No cream, no custard and no gel in my hair at all!

So yes I have exceptionally curly hair. 

You may be thinking,

“Wow that’s lovely hair. She is so lucky! So why is she claiming that there is a struggle to having such hair?”

Being brown and having curly hair is like having a third eye in the middle of your forehead- something unnatural. While that may not be the case in 2019, it was certainly the case in the nineties which is when I grew up. If you want to read more about my upbringing and struggles with culture, click here.

I never saw another desi woman around me with curly hair. My mother’s hair was pin straight naturally and everyone else had regular blow dries (although I only found that out much later). 

If you’re wondering where I got the curly hair from, it was from my father whose hair is wavy. Somehow I got the waves but they were on steroids. As you’ve seen above, my hair is not wavy- its 100% curly. The women on his side of the family would frequently make remarks about how I inherited their ‘bush’ hair. The implications of this was that this type of hair was seen as savage or primitive. Mostly they had their hair blow dried so it was never curly but never really straight either- typical nineties hair.

Once I overhead someone refer to my hair as junglee hair. In Hindi it means wild or untamed; not proper… and lets be clear- it isn’t a compliment. My hair was not seen as normal even by the very people who held the same genes as me!

The only other desi women I saw growing up were the ones in Bollywood films. Almost every actress had sleek, shiny pin straight hair. However the ones that had wavy, curly or even slightly disheveled hair were always the adulterers, the villians, the criminals or the blackmailers.

If a makeover scene would take place, the victim would always start off with curly hair and be transformed into royalty with her new shiny straight locks.

How we cared for curly hair in the 90s…

As a result of this, no one knew how to care for curly hair when I was growing up. Often my hair was brushed out by my mother and we both hoped with each brush stroke that a waterfall of sleek straight hair would reveal itself. It never did though and eventually I merely looked like I had a pile of hay on my head.

Do you know how painful it is to have dry curly hair brushed out? Up to this day, I don’t go near a brush because I will never forget that agony. 

After my hair was brushed out, off it went into tight braids or what we called, ‘plaits’. Now I don’t blame my mother or anyone else for the way my hair was managed. Again, this was the nineties and we had no information on what to do with my odd hair type. So my mother treated my hair as she treated her own pin straight hair. 

Bear in mind that we were just rolling out of the Apartheid period where your hair played a pivotal role in your societal treatment if you were a woman of colour. Soft straight hair was seen as superior and the curlier your hair, the lower your position in society was. While no one was still conducting the pencil test while I was growing up, those old stigmas were still there and people looked at curly hair with disdain.

When I got to grade 6, my mother could no longer take care of my unruly hair as well as my triplet siblings that had just been born. I was sent to the salon for a chop and well… curly hair doesn’t do well in any sort of short crop. 

Going to school with the curls sitting on top of my head was a nightmare as kids asked me, “What was wrong with my hair?” and “Why did my hair do that?”

One child asked me, “Your hair is weird. Are your parents the same race as you?” And while that’s not a particular offensive question to ask, I knew that it wasn’t meant in a nice way. 

The subtle shift…

In 1997, not only did I get 3 new siblings, South Africa got its first Indian Miss South Africa, Kerishnie Naiker… and she had the curliest hair I had ever seen! And boy she was beautiful and plus she wore her curls with pride.

I met her in person once and she was so kind and polite too!

It was a complete game changer for me seeing a woman like her having her beauty celebrated; her win went against the grain because not only did she have curly hair but she was also dark-skinned. Up until this point, I only only see fair skinned woman being complimented and called beautiful. And while I did hear people say snarky things about her hair and skin tone, I thought she was incredible and it shifted my perception of beauty. I started to care a whole lot less about my hair and how people responded to it.

By high school, I had grown my hair out and insisted against any sort of brushing or braiding. I wore my hair loose and let it curl. This wasn’t because I was happy or particularly proud of my hair- it still wasn’t socially acceptable to go around being brown with curls (at least not in the conservative community I grew up in) but rather, because there was nothing I could do about it. At the fancy private school I had to attend, in my class of 24 girls, everyone either had straight hair, straightened their hair or had their hair professionally straightened. While my parents may have been receptive if I had made that request, I didn’t think it was worth even making. My parents weren’t like the other parents who were wealthy and extravagant. They both worked full time and there was little money to spare. I didn’t want my hair to be another expensive burden. 

So I kept my hair under a scarf during the week at school and I avoided going to salons because every time I would go to one, the stylists would suggest ‘How about you try this straightening treatment?”.

Later in my life, I would get up and walk straight out of a salon for suggesting that to me within the first ten minutes of my appointment. But 16 year old me didn’t have a clue about how feisty 26 year old me would become. 

Then the not-so-subtle shift…

As the latter years of my schooling career approached two pivotal things happened. The first was when a boy asked me out on a date but only if I ‘fixed up my hair’. I realised that the boys within my conservative community for looking to date girls who all looked and acted the same way. Our actual personalities did not matter. Of course I turned that fool down and rejected his tawdry offer. But the whole incident led me to believe that I was acquired taste and needed to be more selective about my pairings with the male species- a belief that held me in good stead and still does to this day.

The second thing that happened was the explosion of Preity Zinta on the mainstream Bollywood movie scene. If you’re wondering what on earth a Preity Zinta is, let me explain.

Preity Zinta is gorgeous Bollywood actress who started off starring in a few small roles here and there in the late nineties. But in 2003, she made it big with a successful movie called Kal Ho Naa Ho. As she stood crying in the rain in an important scene, people started to notice that her hair was curly… as curly as mine in fact!

In her next big movie, Veer Zaara, her hair was perpetually curly and just like that… EVERYONE wanted to have curly hair.

Suddenly I was getting comments like, “You’re soooo lucky!!I wish I had curly hair like you!!” from the very same people who spent years recommending hair straighteners to me!! 

Man the lengths people were going to so their hair could be curly now. From tongs, to rollers, suddenly every one had the same style that looked like this…

If you’ve ever seen someone with natural curls, you’ll know that it’s a pitiful imitation of what curly hair actually looks like. But I knew better than to make disparaging remarks about anyone’s hair and just felt relieved that people were being more accepting.

Once I sat in the salon and a woman came up to me and asked me how to get curls like mine. This was at the same salon that suggested I try chemical straighteners only a few years earlier.


Moving abroad allowed me to finally embrace and feel happy with my hair. For 2 years in South Korea, I was the envy of women as I walked down the street with my curls. Every Korean friend and colleague that I had wanted to have hair like mine. My students would gush over my hair and ask to touch it. Suddenly I realised how special and distinctive my hair finally was. 

Me in 2012 wearing a traditional South Korean hanbok

What a shock for me to then move to the Middle East and discover that nearly every Arab woman had some type of curly hair. There I lived, for so many years, on the other side of the world where everyone was fighting this kind of hair that was just so normal in this region. There is no struggle to find products or hair advice here and a big part of me bitterly wishes I had this kind of environment when I was growing up.

While desi women having curly hair is now an acceptable norm, adverts for hair products still promote “taming” our hair, and preventing the “unwanted frizz” in the “struggle against unruly hair” all seem to imply that to suit convention, curly hair must defy mother nature. I roll my eyes at this ridiculous advertising and continue to wear my hair in its natural state. 

The advent of social media made me discover so many desi girls with curly hair across the spectrum that it made me feel foolish when I thought back to how isolated my curls made me feel while I was growing up. Its been many years in the making but I now appreciate the fact my hair type. I’ve accepted that my hair will never be pin straight no matter how hot a hair iron is and that the ends will always find a way to curl. I disposed of my hair iron (which I only used 4 times a year anyway) and switched to the occasional quick, voluminous blowdry when I need a change. This way, the ends still curl but it suits the look.

There are so many amazing desi women advocating for curly hair these days with an abundance of blogs and Youtube channels. I see young people with curly hair who are gorwing up now, taking advantage of this access to information and it thrills me.

Whether we realise it or not, as women, hair is an integral part of our identity. You go through a breakup, you get a haircut. It’s a psychological extension of your state of mind. You nurture it, and you feel good. How wonderful it must be to always taught to embrace your hair instead of trying to fight it; that is where a journey of self love begins. Preity Zinta and Kerishnie Naicker may have done many notable things in their careers but I will never forget what simply seeing them, did for my confidence. I hope that when curly haired children are growing up now, they never see their hair as weird and rather, just accept that they’re unique.

For curly desi advice and inspiration, try these amazing beauty bloggers:

Deepika (Desi Curly)

Anjana (Curls & Beauty Diary)

Pallavi (The Curious Jalebi)

Are you a curly haired desi too? Or maybe you are but don’t even know it due to years of heat styling and societal pressure! Let me know your thoughts in the comments below!


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  • patchworkmomma November 20, 2019 at 6:35 pm

    Thanks for sharing your experience. I think your hair is beautiful! It saddens me to see how disapproval of curly hair is rooted in white supremacy. I didn’t realize there was a stigma for desi women with curly hair. It’s the same in African-American culture. I’m biracial and was told by my black neighbors that I had “good” hair growing up because of its texture. My white mother, however, didn’t know how to take care of it. (Like yours my mother’s hair was straight). I have so many hair stories wrapped up in identity struggles that I might write my own post about it. I’m glad that you’ve accepted your gorgeous curls and have raised awareness about this subject.

    • expatpanda November 24, 2019 at 7:40 am

      I am really glad that you were able to relate to this post even though we are of different ethnicities. Fortunately for us, the hair narrative is changing so curly hair is becoming a norm rather than an exception. People praising children for the texture of their hair or colour other skin always baffles me. Are these really the attributes that are worthy of praise? Makes no sense to me. Acceptance took a long time for me but yes I am glad it finally happened.

      • patchworkmomma November 24, 2019 at 2:35 pm

        I totally agree with you. Children should be praised on their character, not their looks.

  • Blue November 21, 2019 at 11:34 am

    My mom is black and my dad is white. My mom’s is much coarser and more tightly curled than mine. She straightened her hair with a hot comb which did not work on my hair. I tried and heard it sizzle away. She plaited my hair as well and I hated having it combed or brushed too. I didn’t know what to do with my hair, but I was so happy when I was finally allowed to do whatever I wanted to it. It wasn’t so curly, just wavy, when I was a kid. By puberty my curls became ringlets and I had no idea what to do with it to help it not become a tangle mess by the middle of the day. I began asking other girls I saw with curly hair what they did. Some were nice, others were stuck up and didn’t want to tell me. I eventually learned and now try to braid my hair at night before i fall asleep (not brushing or combing just 2 big braids) so it doesn’t become so tangled by morning. It is more work. I so use foam rollers sometimes to loosen my curls and let my hair dry naturally over the rollers, especially if I’m going to travel and don’t want to deal with my hair getting really tangled. Mine is long, thin and become matted quickly if I do not maintain it. I don’t use much more than leave in conditioner for it. I know there are tons of products I can use for all kinds of results but I wear my hair in a ponytail or bun for work. It looks good enough with just leave in conditioner. I used to hate the work that curly hair can take and sometimes I hate having to spend an extra 10-15 min just to comb it in the shower, but I love my curls.
    I adore your curls!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story. I never would have guessed that it was such an issue for you, but I can relate.

    • expatpanda November 24, 2019 at 7:49 am

      If only we were taught how to properly care form our age and to see representation of people who looked like us in the media. Our experiences and perceptions would be very different. On the plus side I am really glad you’ve found ways to manage your hair and care for it! It’s good to embrace the natural texture!

  • Shaakira November 21, 2019 at 3:14 pm

    Omg!!!! This is me!!

    To this day I don’t wear my hair curly. I have such a stigma about washing and blow drying my hair. My schedule revolves around this task.

    I still have a scare from when I was 5 years old and a little girl scraped me with a stick and said “I don’t like your hair”
    I remember my mom spending hours to either dry my hair or curl it into 2 pig tails. 🤦‍♀️

    I really wish o could wear my hair curly.

    • expatpanda November 24, 2019 at 7:47 am

      I really hope that one day you find the courage to hair your curls with pride. At the same time no one understands more than I about how past traumas can shape our mindset and it’s often hard to move past such events. It must be exhausting to be drying and heat styling though, I can’t imagine. I’m sorry society did this to you… we deserve better!

  • Brittie the Lowlife Traveler December 23, 2019 at 1:27 am

    Your story reminds me a lot of my own. It’s the same story so many African-American women have had to grow up with. What began as a way for whites to establish superiority quickly turned into a story of deep-seated self-loathing within our community. Still today there are anti-discrimination laws being passed to give us the “right” to wear our natural hair in the workplace. It’s a part of our culture that has remained deeply troubling throughout the years.

    • expatpanda December 23, 2019 at 3:23 pm

      Yes I resonate with everything you are saying. Hair was such an important tool to assert and conflate white supremacy in South Africa that even today, its effects linger on within society. Imagine having to fight for the right just to be your natural curly haired self. Insanity!

  • At the frontiers December 24, 2019 at 10:19 am

    Heya, how’s it going? Thank you for writing this honest post. It’s upsetting that hair and looks are intricately linked with society’s, and our own perceptions of beauty. I’m glad you could make peace with your naturalness and be proud about it. As a fellow curly-haired Desi, from one woman to another, I wish you and your curls the very best! I love your blog, so please keep writing and sharing 🙂

    • expatpanda December 24, 2019 at 2:37 pm

      Thanks so much for your feedback! Unfortunately appearance and politics are deeply intertwined and no matter what, they are a cause for judgement in some societies. I too am glad I have just embraced my hair, merely to just save ,myself time and effort!

  • swagatasharma April 8, 2020 at 1:01 pm

    Damn i can highly relate with you…i too am an indian with curly hairs!! Do visit and follow my page too if u may spare some time..thanks!!

  • Tasneem May 8, 2022 at 1:39 pm

    I’ve been following you for sometime now but only came across the curly hair piece now. It’s like you have lived my life with my curly hair. All the comments from my cousins who had pin straight hair, extemely thin hair gave me such a complex until I turned 21. I was at the airport & I loosened my hair from my bun to redo it. A white lady behindme gasped and said “you have such beautiful hair!” I was confused as to who she was speaking to as there was only her & I in the bathroom and nobody ever in my entire life had ever told me I had beautiful hair.
    She said she was speaking to me. She was actually on her honeymoon. She had gotten married earlier the day so was still made up with make up and a hairdo. That was a turning point for me. I started appreciating my hair & saw the beauty in it. Suddenly those who use to mock me would say how they wished they had hair like mine. What I do now is to make my hair as big as possible and go to functions just to get a reaction out of them hahah!

    My mom also cut my hair into a boys cut when I was std4 as I was staying by my granny and she couldn’t manage my hair. It was the worse thing ever. The headmaster thought I was a boy and told me to get a haircut! Courtesy of the House of Delegates Indian schools.

    • expatpanda May 15, 2022 at 8:05 am

      Thank you so much for sharing your personal experiences and struggles with accepting your hair. Its always heartwarming to realize that we are not alone in feeling this way and experiencing ridicule from family members. I am so happy to hear that you wear your hair in its natural state and shock people 😂💕

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